Interview with E

Interview with E: A 22 year old female who's older brother has AS. 

Can you describe your sibling a bit?

My older brother has Asperger's and is 26. He was diagnosed at 19 years old because as an Aspie he had an interest in human behavior. Because of this, he was able to fake his way through most social situations. However, the more time you spend with him, the more you realize he really doesn't know how to interact with other people other than what you would see on TV. He is very apathetic about most things and it takes a lot of persuading for him to feel otherwise. He struggles in most if not all large group settings. Even when the attention is directed on someone else, he is not likely to stay in a large group setting for longer than 30 minutes. He has very few close friends that he spends a lot of time with. Other than his wife, he spends the majority of the time with our family, because we understand him. He nicknames EVERYTHING! He hasn't called me by my first name for about 10 years-he calls me Snicket (its a very long story). With people that he knows very well, he tends to skip the general niceties of conversations. Instead of asking how a family member is or how their day has been, he tells them there is a duck on their head. It took us awhile to get used to but we all recognized that it is his way of telling us he cares. He is very book smart but when it comes to street smarts, he really doesn't have the best judgment.

What is it like to have a sibling with Asperger’s?

Living with a sibling with Asperger's was difficult but since he wasn't diagnosed until 19, we really didn't know what the issue was. My brother had problems relating to myself and my younger brother since we didn't all enjoy the same things. My brother and I didn't really have a great relationship until we were both adults since we could not relate to one another and he never had a desire to have a relationship

How have you been able to better understand him?

As my brother and I have gotten older, I have gained a better understanding of his Asperger's and how to interact with him better. I have learned to be more patient with him and to lower my expectations about spending time with him. When I got married last summer, he was at my wedding reception but he stayed off to the side and out of sight. I was actually surprised that he stayed for the entire time. But I knew that he would not be walking around and interacting with my guests. When I graduated from high school, my parents threw me a graduation party. My brother and his wife came, but only stayed for about 15 minutes. I was disappointed at the time but now that I have gotten older, I realize that those 15 minutes were a big deal for my brother. When my brother invites me to spend time with him doing something, playing a board game, I know that it is because it is something he really enjoys and sharing it with me is a big deal.

What are some of the biggest challenges you have faced?

I think the biggest challenge I have faced with my brother is really being patient with him. He is very apathetic so when I am excited about something and he isn't, I know its not because he doesn't love me. We have a saying in my house about my brother: its not that he doesn't care, its that he just doesn't care.

What helps you to deal with it today?

Dealing with that today, I spend more time with my brother. We actually work together so we have discovered ways for us to interact better. I have learned that listening to my brother and participating in things he cares about have made it easier to be patient with him.

What advice would you give to someone else who has a loved one with Asperger’s?

My advice for someone who has a loved one with Asperger's is to love them, be patient with them and try to learn as much about Asperger's as you can. If you show the effort to better understand what your loved one is going through, you will have a better relationship. No matter what, your loved one with Asperger's feels like an outcast. No matter how much you love them. Showing interest in what they are going through will help them feel more included and loved. And loving someone with Asperger's is the best thing you can do.